Nebraska vs. New Jersey

Published on April 8, 2004 By aegix In Misc

As often with "funny stories" the humor is usually only funny to the those intimately involved...so you might not find this funny. Do I care? Not really. But here is an email dialogue between a co-worker (NJ) and me (NE).

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From: Aegix
Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 12:32 PM
To: Lane; Marc
Subject: Stupid Delaware and Rhode Island...

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From: Lane
Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 1:09 PM
To: Aegix
Subject: RE: Stupid Delaware and Rhode Island...

I hate the East Coast!!!
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From: Aegix
Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 1:11 PM
To: Lane
Cc: Marc
Subject: RE: Stupid Delaware and Rhode Island...

Indeed. Yet another reason why to hate not only the cartographic challenges the East Coast provides, but the people from there as well. Especially New Jaw-zee. Have you heard them speak?

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From: Marc
Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 1:18 PM
To: Aegix; Lane
Subject: RE: Stupid Delaware and Rhode Island...

It must seem like a very belligerent and fearsome dialect to hayseeds. It takes intellect and processing power to interpret it fully. I guess when you're used to cows and sheep, it must be quite confusing.

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From: Aegix
Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 1:24 PM
To: Marc; Lane
Subject: RE: Stupid Delaware and Rhode Island...

Being accent-neutral has its advantages: You can distinguish the five different mooing sounds cows make to indicate they love you.

I know nothing of sheep. You'll have to ask an Australian.

Anybody know what a New Jerseyian considers a good vacation? Going to the Jersey Shore and not stepping on a discarded hypodermic needle the entire weekend!

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From: Marc
Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 1:34 PM
To: Aegix; Lane
Subject: RE: Stupid Delaware and Rhode Island...

You may not realize it but you have accents. There's a discernible sound of boredom in your phrasings.

The Jersey Shore rocks man, needles and all.

"SURVIVOR" NEBRASKA STYLE

Nebraska Style Survivor! Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Nebraska is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Nebraska Style." The contestants will start in Omaha, travel up to South Sioux City and on to Norfolk and Columbus. Then they will head over to Grand Island and up to Kearney and Ogallala. From there they will proceed up to Scottsbluff and Valentine. Then back down through North Platte, McCook, Red Cloud and Superior ....all the way over to Lincoln and back to Omaha. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads: "I'm a vegetarian. Steak clogs your arteries. The Huskers stink. Go Raiders! Cheese is high in cholesterol. Hillary in 2004. Deer-hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one that makes it back to Omaha alive, wins.
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From: Aegix
Sent: Thursday, April 08, 2004 7:26 AM
To: Marc
Subject: RE: Stupid Delaware and Rhode Island...

Guide To Spotting Another Non-Native Species While Visiting New Jersey

Smells
You can distinguish people not from New Jersey if they don't smell like sulphur, sewage or garbage.

Appearance
Men:
Jersey men can be spotted in that have a wide assortment of Bon Jovi Concert shirts or muscles shirts, or better yet, Bon Jovi Concert Muscle Shirts. Additionally, the telling sign of 10-15 gold chains (net worth: $23) worn simultaneously. If needing further proof, their hair is usually looks like it has a fresh quart of Quaker State or Valvoline.

Women:
Jersey women tend to have hair bigger than Texas pageant queens. They are known among environmental scientists for contributing to 27% of the ozone depletion from the fluorocarbons in their hair spray cans. Look for hooker-red lipstick and what seems to have been a really great deal on Cosmetic Warehouse eye shadow. Basically, you're looking for drag queens who are actually female.

Car
Iroc Z with a gold chain around the license plate, neon under lighting, garter hanging from the rear-view mirror and stick-on window tinting. You gotta problem wit dat?

Dating
It is state law that all Jersey women have dated a guy named "Vinnie."

Sports Team
F#%*ing Giants, F#%*ing Yankees, F#%*ing Knicks, F#%*ing Rangers

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From: Marc
Sent: Thursday, April 08, 2004 8:25 AM
To: Aegix
Subject: RE: Stupid Delaware and Rhode Island...

A couple of notes for your library:

Smells:

For men, there is one more smell. If they are in a nightclub, they will smell like Drakkar. I guess it's better than smelling like West Nile Virus vaccine.

[aegix reply]: I would also think that if any of them go to the gym, they might be using the "Brute in the shoe" technique to overcome the powerful odors located therein.

Men:

Depending on the age, they would also have Bruce Tour shirts or Gorilla Wear (whether they work out or not). Right on with the chains, I have a couple at home still.

[aegix reply]: ...but you don't wear them because they leave a green ring around your neck?

Women:

Some of those girls are so hot it's not even funny.

[aegix reply]: Fran Descher is, arguably, one of the most physically attractive women around...but then she talks.

Car:

The car of choice is correct. There is always a baseball bat in the back. Always!

[aegix reply]: And you can tell a man has eye for style when they use the more exciting electrical tape on it as opposed to the pedantic duct tape.

Dating:

It is a corresponding law to have dated a girl named Angie or Maria

[aegix reply]: I forgot the Catholic need to steadfastly cling to any variations of "Mary."

Sports:

A few more sports teams for your list: Nets, Islanders, Jets, Devils, Mets. Hence the lack of boredom.

[aegix reply]: Who says we're bored? In the white trash world, there's a plentitude of things to bide your time with: There's always a loose tooth to wiggle due to the overexposure to the fumes from you meth lab. Or guessing who the father of your s.o.'s baby. Or reading the history of a shirt through the stains it contains. Or finding inventive ways to circumvent the rules on frame-hardening your demolition car. Or working the word "shazam" into your kid's name. Or thumbing your nose at the silly notion of genetic mutation in closely-related unions. Or launching lobbying campains to bring Pabst Blue Ribbon beer back into production.

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